im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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