just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
