I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
