u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
