I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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