You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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