He disabled his match.com account in front of me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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