My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
