shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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