Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
