Jerry, you need to find god
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
