Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
NoShamevember. You game?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
