I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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