You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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