Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
