There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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