It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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