oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
