She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
