Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
