I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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