I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
