You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
