i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
