I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
