if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
