last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
