put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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