If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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