Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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