rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
