dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
