you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
