remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
