I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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