He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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