On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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