We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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