One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
