Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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