Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
