Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if only i could text you this smell
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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