Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
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