If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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