rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
