this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
