Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
