first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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