I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
