I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
