Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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