I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
