On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
