Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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