I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize