walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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