Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
