i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize