STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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