my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
