Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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