Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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