I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize